Monday, November 14, 2005

yest, went town with bern and really enjoyed the day n the company (: nice to see her agn tho it'll be livelier with ally! ally where r u?? my best friends lah! we shopped n shopped... i saw TING! n the only words i could utter were "omg" and "i can't believe this" hahaha i mean it's been so long since i last seen her... like face to face! i mean so many things have happened n our lives changing in front of our eyes. really miss her! what can i say? 1st 3 months were one of the most significant time periods in my entire life! n she of cuz is one of the most significant person that crossed paths with me (: u have no idea wad i bought *winks* bern knows.... and it's so ***! wad can i say? the store assistant was so friendly towards us! we were like friends! haha! i mean when i wore it, i nv thot i could look like that!

wow i guess i can really count on my mamasans (: really lookin' forward to 6 dec! gigi's gonna book a suite for all of us in galleria hotel and we're gonna party the night away! lotsa rotr n h2o arctic! hahaahhaah! wonderful! lotsa things to expect... well praying i can get into rav (cross my fingers) i noe it's gonna be a different experience esp with the gang! i foresee lotsa humorous stuff!

speaking of mockability, cdp was an overall success (glad so) with the wonderful team i have (which is my class haha thanks guys!) but i threw my face in front of half the J1 cohort! now people are blackmailing me to either know wad happened or so that i can't do something bad to them.... i shan't mention it becuz it's just embarrassing!! and thanks man, i have pple telling me their entire group contributed to the roaring laughter that resounded in the MPH! u all are so insensitive! it's just a moment of blurness!!! arrrggghhhh!!!!! now im so traumatised that i can still hear laughter ringing in my ears!

recently, i'm a bit down. i just dun show it of cuz, like it matters. i want to pls everyone but it's not so simple when everytime i do a wrong thing, i am judged, i am given that look! that look! that loser look! so much so that im starting to judge myself. i know im good but i dun understand why i cant bring myself to show it! i play so much more differently in club tournaments... it's like i'm schizo! i guess i lack the motivation. i feel like im suffocating. stop it stop it! stop looking at me! stop judging me! i used to have so much passion, so happy and carefree when i play, im not troubled by mistakes cuz i was given so much trust that i'll definitely perform better and no one looks at me to pin point my every mistake. i felt free and comfortable and doing my best! but now it's the opposite. i feel watched. i feel like everytime i make one mistake, i'm dead. DEAD! and that made me feel like a LOUSY ASSHOLE! i want to prove myself, but i can't bring myself to do so. the whole atmosphere is wrong. and i'm an asshole. and to add on to my suffocation, i have more problems... i'm being watched again.... why can't u mind ur own business? why must i report everything, my daily schedule blah blah blah.... the worst feeling is that i know u guys r doing good for me but u've nv asked me how i felt abt it. I'M NO DIFFERENT FROM A SPECIMEN IN A CAGE. I DO BADLY FOR ONE TEST, I'M A LOUSY SPECIMEN. I MUST BE MONITORED. I MUST BE LOCKED INSIDE.


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